Well, just as I finished posting the happy news, I am now sad to announce that we are no longer expecting. I officially miscarried today. It all started Saterday morning when I started feeling a dull pain in my lower back, which never went away. I tried to think positive and blamed it on being on my feet all day, but Sunday morning I started bleeding. I had just handed Josh his father-to-be gift (a card and a photo frame) for Father's Day and now I had to break the news of bleeding. Of course there could be a list of reasons for the bleeding, but I feared the worst. In the evening the bleeding got a tiny bit worse and it was bright red. After reading ton more articles, I found that all had one thing in common and that's that bright red blood is a definite cause for concern. We only have a $30 co-pay for the ER and I discussed going ahead and going to get checked with Josh and he agreed to take me. The two closest and bigger ERs had a wait time of 3+ hours, so we went to an older and smaller one on the other side of town. I was seen immediately, which was amazing. The Dr had blood drawn and did a physical check up. He told me that my cervix was still closed and that there was no active bleeding. He could see one small clot. He said to wait for the blood results to come back to see what my hGC level was at. Well, about 35 mins later, he came back and told me that the number was very low. It was 3909! Almost half of what it was 2 weeks ago. The Dr said that the lower number along with the bleeding unfortunately did not mean good news. As the night progressed, I started feeling more crampy and felt a few sharp pains in my pelvis.
This morning I was definitely actively bleeding. I called my OB's office and the nurse discussed my situation with my Dr and called me back. The Dr wants me to come in tomorrow morning as scheduled unless the bleeding increases beyond what I would consider normal. I cried on the drive home last night, but now I just feel numb to it. While we were waiting in the ER for the results a 29-yr old male was brought in next to us and they were unable to get his heart to beat again. Then the female friend who brought him in was crying hysterically when she was allowed to see him and that made me want to cry for them. It really put things in perspective for me. This may sound horrible, but I thought about what a HUGE loss it was for the family and friends of a 29-yr old versus my little baby, who even though loved by many already, did not get a chance to leave his or her mark behind for the world. Perhaps I only see it this way to help me cope with my 2nd baby's loss. I don't know... I don't want to play the guessing game and I don't want to feel sorry for myself. Josh and I both don't want to give up trying. My faith in God has not diminshed. In fact I am truly able to cope because I've given it all to Him. That is the only way to express it. I am happy that my body was able to take care of the miscarriage on its own (as far as I can tell) and I hope that I will not need a D&C. I am anxious to discuss all my options with my OB tomorrow and make an educated decision on how to go about it next time.
To all my girlfriends who are expecting right now, please know that I continue being happy and absolutely elated for you and I will follow your every step on your journey. I know that it's hard for some to deal with others' pregnancies or babies, but for me even after my first loss I had a need to be around babies and it really helped me through it. I truly hope and wish you scare-free and happy 9 months.
<3 Sharon
Again... totally proud of your attitude. They say the only control we have over these types of things is how we react. You're doing everything right. Crazy how God can utilize the death of that 29 year-old man to strangely help you and give you some comfort in the moment you needed it most. It never ceases to amaze me to think of what kind of big picture God must have to do what He does. Pretty good hands to surrender to, indeed :) Love you, sis.
ReplyDelete